I want to write this one carefully, because grief deserves care.
When we lose someone we love, the world does not stop. That is one of the cruellest things about it. The sun still rises. The shops still open. People still laugh in the street. And we stand in the middle of it, unable to understand how anything can go on.
For a while, everything looks grey. Not because the colour has gone, but because our eyes have turned inward, towards the absence. That is natural. It is love, continuing in the only way it can.
Grief and attention
Over the years, through my own life and through the people I have sat with in coaching, I have noticed something about grief and attention.
At first, grief takes all of our attention. That is right and necessary. Nobody should be asked to "move on" while the wound is still open.
But slowly, gently, a moment comes when a little attention becomes available again. Perhaps you notice the smell of rain. Perhaps a child laughs and, for a second, you laugh too. And then the guilt arrives: how can I notice beauty when they are gone?
I want to say this as clearly as I can. Noticing beauty is not a betrayal of the person you lost. Often, it is a way of carrying them with you.
Carrying them into what you see
Many people tell me that the person they lost loved certain things. A particular flower. The first snow. A song. A way of making tea.
When you notice those things, you are not forgetting. You are remembering in the present tense. You are letting their way of seeing live on in yours.
The ones we love teach us what to look at. Grief, in time, can become a way of looking on their behalf.
Small steps back towards colour
If you are grieving, please do not rush. There is no timetable. But if you feel ready for one small step, here are some that have helped others:
- Notice one thing a day that they would have loved. Say it out loud, or write it down, as if telling them.
- Let the body lead. Walk in a garden. Feel the ground. Grief lives in the body, and so does healing.
- Allow both. You can be sad and notice something beautiful in the same minute. Both are true.
- Ask for company. Grief is heavy to carry alone. A friend, a family member, a counsellor or a coach can walk with you.
A word about help
Bloomseeing is a practice of attention. It is not a replacement for professional support. If grief is making it hard to function, to sleep, to eat or to want to go on, please reach out to a doctor, a counsellor or someone you trust. Asking for help is not weakness. It is another form of love.
I offer 1:1 coaching for people moving through loss, gently and at their own pace. If you would like to talk, you can book a quiet first conversation with me.